Before Death, Part I: Chapter Two

What if I told you everything you've heard about me is wrong? What if I told you that everything you think you know about me is a lie? I mean, I know you wouldn't ever dare to believe me or take me at my word for it, but you and your people have been conditioned to believe a depraved deception from the pits of Hell since before your closest ancestors were a twinkle in the Creator's eye. But it's true. Everything you've ever heard about me is wrong. You were coerced into believing a fabrication. You were manipulated. Bamboozled. Your entire reality is a farce, but I don't blame you for believing it because, once upon a time I believed it, too. I was raised in it. I studied it. At times I even questioned it, but I didn't want to face the repercussions of having to face the Source and tell them that I, a lowly human who had nothing to do with Creation or its origins, knew better than they. So I ran from it. It never did anything to help me when I needed it, so what would me walking away from it change?

Little did I know--walking away would change quite literally everything about my life and what I knew to be true.

I am the Anti-Christ.

Have you taken a moment to remember how to breathe? I'm going to talk you through it as you attempt to recover. If you haven't cursed me to Hell like your Great Aunt Maisy or Great-Grandma Pearl or thrown this book into a dumpster or fire, thanks for sticking around. Cuz like I said--everything you think you know about me is a lie. I'm not the child of the Devil. I wasn't born of a jackal--I mean, my birth mother's name is Jackie, and I probably would've faired better in life had she been an actual jackal who conceived with the Devil--but she is absolutely a red-blooded human, and my birth father is human as well. There were times when we called him the Devil, and evil incarnate, but that was for other reasons not concerning the Bible. I was not born in the middle of the sea--it was actually in a military hospital in the middle of land-locked Missouri. Like I said, everything you believe about me is a lie. 

I'm not here to take the world and its people away from Jesus. Jesus came and went. There will be no war between "God" and I. There is no "mark of the beast." The rapture has already happened. It was actually this summer. Let me tell you, I was pissed, but not for the reasons you would expect. All of that angsty Hollywood drama about seven years of good luck, peace and harmony, and then suffering, locusts and horses and Death is absolute and utter bullshit. Well, there will be Death, but it will be righteous, and it won't be my death that makes it righteous--because as the chosen savior of humanity, I literally cannot die. Believe me, I've tried. A few times. In this lifetime and in others. I always come back. Apparently I chose this shit. To be quite honest, with as much as I know now, I have no clue as to why. I have a few ideas and hypotheses, but nothing has been completely confirmed. At this point all I know is that Jesus came, tried his best, and went, and I sat back and watched the whole thing. I even helped pull the boulder from the front of his tomb on the third day when he was risen. As someone who hates manual labor, pulling that bitch back and seeing he wasn't even in there really pissed me off. He's such a stunt queen. But even he knew after he was risen that humanity was too far gone. 

You see, Jesus wanted to believe that man could be saved. As much as I love my brother, like most brothers (and men in general), you can't tell him shit. I mean, have you read how he talked to his mother? He literally only got away with that shit cuz he was her only son. If it had been me, though? He might not have made it to 33 is all I'm saying. 

Anyway, just like I chose to come to this planet in an attempt to save humanity before Thanos snapped his giant purple eggplant fingers, Jesus truly believed living a perfect life and spilling his own blood (I told you he's a stunt queen) on the cross to cover for the sins of all of humanity would be enough. He had no idea the types of depravity his blood would ineffectively attempt to cover, but it's not for lack of trying. I know for a fact I would never have gone out like that behind humanity--but that's one of the main reasons why I am the Anti-Christ and he is Christ. He's not better than me--we're just different. But I'm definitely smarter.

You see, remember the story from the Prologue that took place in The Oasis? Yeah. That's where the true story of Creation begins. God is a woman, she's been watching the entire time while experiencing a plethora of emotions: betrayal, disappointment, despair, longing, confusion, love, and Mama is pissed about it.